“Wow, hip openers do release a lot of emotion…” was what ran through my mind (no, wait, it didn’t “run” through my mind…more like gradually traipsed through my mind) as a monsoon of tears streaked my still-pink-from-vinyasa cheeks.
I walked out to my car feeling melancholy but unsure why. The moment music bled from the car stereo my heart clung to the sad syllables eagerly. Sadness. Frustration. Emotions came creeping out of the deepest darkest pockets of myself as I drove. Each song that came on somehow made me cry harder, as I recalled my last relationship. I want to say it’s one that failed, but I can’t really say that. I feel like it succeeded; like its purpose was not to last forever, but rather to teach two human beings invaluable lessons…take our hearts unparalleled places…forge a union and bond that will remain timeless, one we hope we can call on anytime in our lives.
Those are beautiful achievements, I think. Beautiful achievements and growth came from the failure, and yet the pain of another human being willingly walking away from you never stops hurting. Even when you too were walking away from them. Memories somehow stay so vivid, the deep wound somehow tears open again despite layer after layer of healed skin that now cover it, nearly a year later. The mind, frustrated, thrashes about, demanding, “Why am I still disappointed? How could I still, in just an instant, get so sad again? It doesn’t make any sense.” But then my heart pipes up and says, “Oh yes it does. It makes perfect sense.”
Tonight’s vinyasa was taught by my most favorite yoga teacher, and incredible human being. We focused on hip openers which, and I’ve always chuckled at the claim, are said to release a lot of emotion. I’m pretty darn in touch with my emotions, though, and have never experienced any such release. Until now. The tears that poured down my face (and, to be quite honest, are still are dripping as I type) did not literally come from my hip joints, no. But I delved deep into some emotional “gunk” and was essentially blindsided.
I’d not realized that the growing indifference between two people would hurt so much, when it’s only natural. It’s only natural that when two people separate, so do their lives. I feel completely whole, healed, moved on and happy; but driving home tonight it might as well have been 10 months ago. The wound might as well have been raw. That was the most relationship-induced pain I’ve ever felt, and from the wreckage came the most profound emotional growth I’ve ever experienced. My heart is whole and, frankly, I now can’t even imagine handing it over to anyone…which is another post altogether…
I’m happy for the open hips, tonight, as well as the raw emotions. I am grateful to have a sniffly nose and red-rimmed eyes because it means I felt something. Though pain hurts, it is a reminder that we are alive. There’s a beating heart in my chest, and while it sometimes aches, it continues to beat. It’s a reminder of strength, of survival. The most valuable lessons are not easily learned. One must stoop down – or hell, fall to their knees – and collect the fragments of their heart at least once in life to really know what this whole “life” thing is about. The heart can be put back together and made to feel new, but the pain will still resurface from time to time. I imagine it’s the emotional equivalent of the throbbing ache an amputee feels after losing a limb. There’s still a pulsing sensation, even though the heartache in question is no longer there. The fact that it’s gone is part of the pain. But the growth that comes from these moments when we crumble into our tears and revisit a long-since-healed sadness is intense. It’s sincere. It’s necessary.
One can’t help but feel a bit bashful after such a breakdown. Coming out of it, wiping away the tears, shaking one’s head and thinking, “Did that just happen? Did I just fall apart completely, even though that happened so long ago?” Yes, it did. And it happened for a reason.
No questions were answered and no huge leaps made tonight during my cry-fest, but somehow I feel better. I didn’t know, going into yoga tonight, that I had any emotion to release…and yet I feel like that’s what propelled me to drive to the studio and unroll my mat. The Universe works in mysterious ways. Little moments of impact, when one is aware, are enough to lay a blanket of warmth over the heart. A sensation that someone or something is looking out for you, steering you exactly where you need to go, at exactly the right time…
Timing, after all, is everything.