…But Can You Walk the Walk?

You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? By “you” in this scenario I mean me, and by walk the walk I mean live my truth. Can I live the truth about which I so frequently write? My answer is yes, but it will take practice. I’m not there yet. Is anyone ever really there? I hope so, someday. But not yet. I can recite endless mantras filling me with warm fuzzies when things are going smooth, when things are a-okay. But when it all hits the fan, my mantras are like balloons floating away, the ribbony strings just beyond my desperately grasping fingertips.

“Be the light. Be warmth, be serenity, bathe in the mind’s pool of positivity.”

It sounds so good. I was totally feeling it today, too. Up until about 3pm. At 3pm I was told by my ex that he had a new girlfriend. I’m talking about the love of my life-3 year relationship- met and fell in love in Europe and moved to be closer to him-ex. We technically separated a year ago, and yet the news came to me as gracefully as a punch to the stomach. 

It was painful for obvious reasons.

But my mind made it more painful than it needed to be. Rational “Walk the Walk” Sara would have thought, Okay come on now, it’s been a year what did you expect…nothing will ever change the love you two shared and still share, nor will anything ever alter the beautiful memories you made. Everything happens for a reason, timing is everything, and you must trust the process. Send him light and love, and then drop it.

Rational “Walk the Walk” Sara is so wise. So centered. So together.

She was also not present today at 3pm.

So emotional, mind f*ck Sara stepped in to handle the situation.

With “I’m about to have tea with the Queen” enthusiasm, my mind began to take me down a torturous path. What is it about heartache that makes the mind so hellbent on torturing the heart? In reality the details don’t matter. The details change nothing. Our past is firmly rooted in the Universe and it happened exactly as it should. We are not together for reasons that are firmly rooted in the present. But my mind gave no cares. My mind replayed for me, as though I’d not been there for all of this, all of the memories and everything that was said before, during and after our break-up. I’ve dated people since, nothing serious and nothing that termed me anyone’s “girlfriend” (probably the most upsetting part), but that doesn’t matter to me. For some reason my mind has decided that him moving on is unacceptable. I knew it would happen eventually, and yet I also knew it would feel exactly like this when it did. My mind is convinced it’s because he told me he isn’t capable of giving more to a relationship than he gave to me and if he couldn’t make it work with me, the love of his life, then he’d never make it work with anyone else. And that he didn’t want to. Rational me believes those words, and knows that what we had was truly special and could have been it…we’d still be together if I’d not decided I need more…from the relationship, from my partner, from the commitment. The most rational part of all that is it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. He has a new girlfriend and even though it’s been a year it hurts. Even though I left the relationship it hurts. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that we were still in love when we separated, choosing to part ways for more logical reasons like the relationship wasn’t allowing us to be our truest Selves anymore. But we were still in love. That seems so senseless, to leave a relationship still in love. I suppose that’s why the closure feels so suspended in space.

And still, it matters not. He’s moved on and so have I. It still hurts. My mind still wants to circle round ‘n round like a damn fair ride, pricking my heart with the needles of “he said” and the prodding of “but we said forever…” 

The bottom line is this: I sat down this very morning and wrote about trusting the process. I said,

“It all happens for a reason. Everything we do, don’t do, everyone we meet, don’t meet, every place we go, don’t go…it’s all happening as it should be. 
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, trust the process.
May we open our hearts and our Awareness to the seemingly serendipitous, but oh so Divine and precise workings of the Universe, so that everyday may be a seamless wave of trust. Trust. Trust. Trust the process.”

Then at 3pm those words, those words that I feel to my very core…floated out of my grasp. Floated up into the sky like balloons, strings slipped from errant fingers, moving listlessly away, growing smaller and smaller.

Why would I let these words, my deepest personal conviction, slip through my fingers when I need them most? Because it’s easier said than done. Most worthwhile things are. Nothing worth having, I mean truly worth having, comes easy. Like a garden, it takes tending. Patience. Passion. Dedication. 

“The mind can only hold one thought at a time. Make it a positive one,” my mom said to me tonight. She’s my rock. She also shook my intuition awake by saying,

“Where do all of your powerful mantras go when these things happen?”
She’s right. Where do they go? They’re still in me, but they’re silenced by that dark part of my mind that says, Oh this is too vulnerable a moment to pass up…let’s relive it all, shall we…

There’s something deeply and painfully satisfying about giving in and letting all of the aching memories play through the mind. 

Letting the words and the “could have beens” play like a slideshow with audio, behind a veil of tears, it feels good. Good in a masochistic way. It’s so hard to deny the mind this pity party. It’s nearly impossible to say, no…I’m not going to go there…I’m going to rise above and realize that having all of those thoughts won’t make me feel better. They also won’t change my reality. 

So, how does one actually implement all of those brilliant, pacifying mantras when struck with a tsunami of negativity? (Pardon my dramatic nature, it must be the moon).

I suppose, like yoga, like healthy eating, like mindful living, it takes practice. It would behoove me to not beat myself up over my reaction today, but rather to respond with gentleness, with kindness, with compassion. I’d be well advised to be understanding of my own heart, and of my masochistic little mind. It seems so satisfying to take that mental route down memory lane, taunting the heart with what might have been, but it turns out it’s just a dead end street. What about changing the channel of the mind right away?

Oh but it’s so much less satisfying! And therefore all the more necessary

So tonight, as all the tears have dried and rationalism has taken over, I will recite my mantras. This is happening for a reason, as all things are, to teach me that I must get as good at walking the walk as I am at talking the talk. And when my mind wants to start in on the Oh great, Valentine’s Day is coming up and having all sorts of lovely mental images, I will remember this post. I will remember sitting here, at 12:14am, dry eyed, filled with clarity… slightly delirious, totally exhausted, and hellbent on getting this all in writing while it’s still raw. 

I will remember this moment, this moment of feeling so intensely human…so not in control…so drained of emotion and left quiet, observing. I will remember feeling like I’ve been smacked on the knuckles with a ruler by some invisible grammar school nun for not having had the strength, the willingness, the ability to constrain my reaction today. I will remember the throbbing ache of compassion I felt for myself. The one I feel right now. I will remember that walking the walk is done in baby steps.  

Three steps forward, two steps back. 

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19 thoughts on “…But Can You Walk the Walk?

  1. I had a 3 1/2 yr relationship that ended.. couple yrs later I run into x’s sister at the movie theater, she says , “oh btw, did you know Tiff got married”? man, I looked a cross between a deer in headlights and a ghost…. Annnd our relationship ended mutually with understanding, but Not under very good circumstances..

    • Thank you. I’m working on that . . . 🙂

      Wow. So you know exactly how it feels, but to more of an extreme. Married. Dang, I can see exactly what you mean with the deer in the headlights/ghost image. That’s so hard…
      It’s strange how so much time can pass and yet those emotions, that pain, that love, is suspended in time like it’s infinite.

  2. My dear. You *are* walking the walk… as you are aware and sharing this via writing. Remember it’s part of the progress too 🙂 Much of the heart aches and strong hurt feelings are necessary to process, in order to truly make sense of them and eventually release them. The deeper level of resolve do not come from the logical-thinking, pattern-searching, judging part of our mind’s processing, but rather like you said, from your own compassion for yourself. ❤

    Baby steps are wonderful. Be patient…

    *Sending love, light and hugs your way*

  3. Wow, a powerful piece of writing. It may take time, but I totally sense you are on the right path, even if it is a new one. As you said, one baby step at a time… ~Tom

  4. Love, you’re doing just fine. Sometimes it does feel good to sob into a giant pile of junk food with An Affair to Remember blaring in the background. It’s important to remember that you can’t allow these wonderful new paths to become too dogmatic. You are human and fearlessly yourself. Sometimes life hurts. Hard. I’m sure we all relate in some form or the other. My best friend and I parted in a less then stellar manner. I visited home recently and saw her at a gas station. She pretended like she hadn’t seen me. She had. It felt like a ghost sat in my body for a moment. Cold and eerie. It hurts like hell, brings up past pain, and then fades. Give yourself the luxury of enjoying the beautiful melancholy, if only for a moment or two. Dedicating my practice to your peace today. Love.

    • Amy…your comment made me cry and think to myself, “How did I get so lucky?” Seriously. How did I get so lucky to connect with such incredible human beings. Your words resonate with me profoundly; “give yourself the luxury of enjoying the beautiful melancholy, if only for a moment or two.” Exquisite. And exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve written a lot about embracing the yin as well as the yang, only being as happy as one is able to be sad, feeling the light as well as the dark and owning an emotion for all it’s worth, good or bad…but, again, I am able to walk the walk with your gentle reminder.
      Knowing your practice was dedicated to my peace makes my heart burst with joy.
      Abundant gratitude.
      Light & love to you.

  5. hi there,

    I found your post through another blog and your writing had my eyes glued to my computer screen feeling each and every word. Just this past Tuesday night I felt all that pain you described and it is crazy how we do allow our minds to take control. It’s always easier said than done to walk away with your head held up high trying to remind yourself that everything does happen for a reason and “the universe knows exactly what shes doing” – just a little thought i like to remind myself of when I get down. My ex comes back into my life, plays with my heart (you know, makes me believe we actually have another shot at this and it’s meant to be for us to be together – because hey after 7 years and some much inbetween, we always find our way back to one another) Or so I thought, i hit my breaking point with him! He invited himself to stay at my place over the weekend – i saw this as a step in the right direction! So when I told him i’d like to see him again this past Tuesday, he told me he didnt think it was a good idea, that we had just seen each other 2 days earlier….you can imagine my reaction! the bastard…only when it was convenient for him to see me, i was there (again in hopes that this would start up again) stupid me….i’d think after 4 relationships i be smart enough to know he was only uses me..BUT he was my one true great love and I guess I fell for his spell this past weekend! As you say, whats meant to be is meant to be and everything is a lesson learned….I learned how to get my ass over to his place tuesday, tell him i loved him, saw we could do this again and knew what I wanted to do here. Followed by telling him he was the one whos confused and is no longer able to leave me waiting – to see if he gets that “spark” back…I finally…after 7 years of this back and forth going on with us got fed up with his sh*t and walked away…I know i deserve better and I know the universe has better in store for me! That aching heart…I’ve been feeling it too but I know with time..it will pass! Thanks for sharing your words…it was comforting for me to see…im not alone! Cheers, maria

    • Sweet Maria, thank you for sharing your story. I feel so deeply for you. I am so proud of you for the strength, honesty and courage it took for you to walk away. I know that feeling because I was the one to walk away from my relationship a year ago. Not because I wanted to…but because I knew it was the healthy thing for me to do for my own heart, and my own future. We do deserve the glorious things the Universe has in store for us and we must set free our aching hearts so as to be open to those wonderful things when the time comes.
      Thank you for sharing with me. I’m blessed that my words could be of comfort to you. You are SO not alone. You’re never alone. We’re all in this together.
      Breathe in, breathe out. Baby steps.
      xoxo

      • Thank you for your reply 🙂 its really nice to connect with someone you don’t even know!!
        Your writing is truly beautiful and i look forward to reading more…all the way from canada! 🙂 have a good weekend, your new canadian fan, maria

  6. I’m not sure you too three steps forward and two back. Maybe just one. What I mean by that is, in the same day, you were able to come back to where you began. You made that cycle in a lovely amount of time I’d say. Of course, it hurts, it sucks, its mind boggling, At the same time, you came back to your mantra’s. You thought about it,wrote it down and moved forward.Cheers to you!

  7. Awe, kido. I know and have felt that pain all to often 😦 The wonderful mind, so powerful in creating beautiful things, and yet so powerful in making those beautiful things dark and trying. Like you said things happen for a reason. The moment we stop being ourselves,is the moment we stop growing. Pretty great reason to leave. The inner strength and personal growth you gained
    from that only strengthens your life vine and garden. I know to many people who stayed way to long fighting to stop the reason from happening, staying and dying on the vine.
    You are not a dier,but a fighter. Your blogs
    I’ve read show me that.
    “I walk to the beat of my own drummer”

    • So very true, Patrick, so very true.
      Thank you for the heartfelt and authentic words, I always appreciate them.
      I love the life vine and garden image. No dying on the vine, it’s simply not an option, life is too stunningly beautiful 🙂
      xx

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