The other day I was suddenly overcome with a memory. Does that ever happen to you? I suddenly felt overwhelmed with a vivid memory of a vision I’d had as a child. The vision was more of an imagination, one of what I’d look like as a teenager, or an adult. In the imagined vision I saw myself driving; as a kid I was infatuated with driving, I’d play “road trip” in my parents’ car and just thought life would be complete when I could one day drive. The “future self” that I imagined drove barefoot, wore an airy, white tank top blouse, had long blonde hair, with country music on the radio. It was summer, the windows were down, and I drove down a backroad in my hometown in this vision.
This memory came to me the other day as I drove home from the yoga studio. I drove barefoot, listening to country, with my long blonde hair nearly down to my waist. I had one knee bent, foot up on the seat, as I hung a hand out the window. The weather was warm, but muggy. I call that “Colorado weather.” My jaw literally dropped when the memory came to me. I picked up a strand of my hair and looked at it, as though I were suddenly going to poof morph back into my eight year old self when I first imagined it all up.
I then felt overcome by a feeling of gratitude, of connectedness to the little Self I used to be, and the young woman I’ve grown into. I think I imagined myself about 17 in that vision, and here I am at 24. I fit the vision really well at 17 too, come to think of it. I had long hair, I could drive, I listened to country. But I was also in the throes of an agonizing battle with anorexia. So I did not really fit the image, not truly. I was deeply unhappy, frightened, isolated and lost. Lost in the depths of my own darkness.
Today is very different. I am grown, I am learned, I am happy. I am carefree in comparison to my 17 year old Self. Not to mention, I never recalled this vivid memory at 17. I was far too preoccupied with unconsciously fighting for my life. I remembered it now, at 24, on a muggy Thursday for a reason. It came to me now because it would have meaning. It would evoke the innocence that I once had, the youthful enthusiasm for life.
What purpose does it serve? if I were to guess, I suppose the purpose would be to reignite my childlike passion for life, for “the little things;” a reminder to delight in the minor details of my life. When seen through the eyes of myself fifteen years ago, being able to drive a car, blaring my country radio, barefoot if I so choose does sound pretty rad.
I take this apt timed recollection as a reminder that I am here, on this earth, in pursuit of magic. A reminder to always ride the inspiration of my spirit, to never take for granted what it is to be alive, to be aware, to be me.
I’ll end tonight with a reminder for us all…
“Be humble, for you are made of earth;
be noble, for you are made of stars.”