In Pursuit of Magic

The other day I was suddenly overcome with a memory. Does that ever happen to you? I suddenly felt overwhelmed with a vivid memory of a vision I’d had as a child. The vision was more of an imagination, one of what I’d look like as a teenager, or an adult. In the imagined vision I saw myself driving; as a kid I was infatuated with driving, I’d play “road trip” in my parents’ car and just thought life would be complete when I could one day drive. The “future self” that I imagined drove barefoot, wore an airy, white tank top blouse, had long blonde hair, with country music on the radio. It was summer, the windows were down, and I drove down a backroad in my hometown in this vision.

This memory came to me the other day as I drove home from the yoga studio. I drove barefoot, listening to country, with my long blonde hair nearly down to my waist. I had one knee bent, foot up on the seat, as I hung a hand out the window. The weather was warm, but  muggy. I call that “Colorado weather.” My jaw literally dropped when the memory came to me. I picked up a strand of my hair and looked at it, as though I were suddenly going to poof morph back into my eight year old self when I first imagined it all up.

I then felt overcome by a feeling of gratitude, of connectedness to the little Self I used to be, and the young woman I’ve grown into. I think I imagined myself about 17 in that vision, and here I am at 24. I fit the vision really well at 17 too, come to think of it. I had long hair, I could drive, I listened to country. But I was also in the throes of an agonizing battle with anorexia. So I did not really fit the image, not truly. I was deeply unhappy, frightened, isolated and lost. Lost in the depths of my own darkness.

Today is very different. I am grown, I am learned, I am happy. I am carefree in comparison to my 17 year old Self. Not to mention, I never recalled this vivid memory at 17. I was far too preoccupied with unconsciously fighting for my life. I remembered it now, at 24, on a muggy Thursday for a reason. It came to me now because it would have meaning. It would evoke the innocence that I once had, the youthful enthusiasm for life.

What purpose does it serve? if I were to guess, I suppose the purpose would be to reignite my childlike passion for life, for “the little things;” a reminder to delight in the minor details of my life. When seen through the eyes of myself fifteen years ago, being able to drive a car, blaring my country radio, barefoot if I so choose does sound pretty rad.

I take this apt timed recollection as a reminder that I am here, on this earth, in pursuit of magic. A reminder to always ride the inspiration of my spirit, to never take for granted what it is to be alive, to be aware, to be me.

I’ll end tonight with a reminder for us all…

“Be humble, for you are made of earth;

be noble, for you are made of stars.”

-Serbian Proverb



4 thoughts on “In Pursuit of Magic

  1. Love the reminder of being grateful of ones past. Ones “flashback” through the past to solidify where one is now in the present. To think of what the memory’s will be in 5,10,15 etc years. The pleasant sound of my phone reminding me its time for my weekly body karma lesson. Thanks for keeping my third eye open.

    • You amaze me with your contemplative responses, thorough support and understanding of my thought process, and dedicated readership. I value you so much my friend, thank you for continuing to help me move mountains.

  2. So beautiful and moving. You are exactly right: rather than seeing that memory as painful or intrusive, you saw it as a gentle reminder of your bigger life purpose… and it’s an exquisite purpose. Sending you positive energy and glow… xoxo, g.

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