My mom and I talk on the phone on the upwards of four to five times a day, and this morning we were chattering on about our usual stuff. Actually, she was at work and I was pumping endorphins out on my morning walk, so it was really me who was doing the yammering today.
I was going on about my reasons for staying in the area where I’m living while attending Holistic Nutrition School. See, there’s a campus in my hometown area, and I had anticipated moving back to the sweet wine country valley where I grew up at some point after graduating college. Well I graduated last June, and dove headfirst into my YogaWorks Teacher Training.
Best. Decision. Of. My. LIFE.
So I said to myself, after this I will move home.
Then I decided to attend Holistic Nutrition School. Perfect! There’s a campus back home.
But then my mom gave me some food for thought. Here I am, in this bustling Bay Area city, finally immersed in the life I’ve wanted the entire time I’ve been here. I moved here in January of 2010. It took me until now to build a community and support system that is worth staying for.
I have a job that supports me and in which I’ve gained some seniority. I now live in a space with a housemate that fosters positivity, security, warmth. I have made incredible friendships in the past 6 months and am only just beginning to share experiences and make memories with these beautiful people. I’ve built a yoga community in this area, bonding with my incredible teachers and mentors, and securing teaching opportunities that will benefit me endlessly in the future.
How could I leave that right now?
The answer is I can’t. I won’t. It’s worth staying for. I know home is my final destination, that’s where I’m headed. But, and I find myself saying this again and again, timing is everything. Still, again, inevitably.
So, as I yammered on to my mom, literally rehashing for her the very advice she gave to me (as she so patiently listened to my regurgitation of it, as though it were all my own) it suddenly occurred to me that I felt a little pitiful for taking three and a half years to build this community for myself.
How is it that I’m still processing life on my own when [my ex] has already moved on to another relationship? I asked my mom. Suddenly my high flying spirits were taken down. I moved to this area for school, and for him, in 2010. He had family, history, friends and a life here. I didn’t. He had all of it already established here, so I didn’t work to build it for myself. That ended up playing a big role in the demise of our relationship. That paired with the fact that we weren’t right for each other. Oh, that tiny little detail…
So now I’ve built it, and I’m dancing happily in the bliss that has risen from the foundation of this new, solid life and boom – my ego takes me down.
He’s happily in a new relationship and you’re only just now, a full year after the break-up, getting the life you should have built three years ago…
Well, that’s not nice to think, but I thought it. It put a hitch in my giddy-up and I felt my expression grow quizzical at the very notion. How to proceed, how to proceed…
I lost my identity in that relationship, I stammered to my mom, my inflection noting a question mark at the end of that sentence.
You gained an identity in that relationship, my mom gently countered, it grounded you. A lot of people get together because they ground one another, but those relationships don’t last, because the foundation is wobbly. They’re meant to ground you, not to last.
Jeez, what a wise woman I have for a mother.
Those relationships are meant to ground you, not to last. And that’s just what mine did. I was wobbly as all hell when I stumbled into it. I was 20 and in the throes of “who the hell am I,” far from comfortable in my own skin and completely ready to turn my back on who I’d been for the past few years. I was desperately in need of rescuing from myself, and that’s just what my ex provided. We ground each other.
Fast forward two years. Still together. Fighting the natural growth that was taking us apart. I would never have done this yoga teacher training if I were still in that relationship. I simply wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t be pursuing holistic nutrition school either. I needed to be grounded so that I could find my wings and fly. The relationship, all three years of it, were a safe haven in which to plant my roots and learn, through loving someone else, how to truly love myself.
I pondered this as I yammered. I said to my mom I want to write about this, I’ve been wanting to write about it, but I’m afraid if he sees it he’ll think I am still hung up on the relationship. Then I realized something. I blurted out you know what Jen Pastiloff, my biggest writer idol, would say to me if I told her I was afraid of what he’d think if I wrote about all this? She’d say who fucking cares. She’d say write it and who gives a shit what he thinks or what anyone thinks because it’s your processing and it’s your life and this is your growth at stake, that’s what she’d say.
So I’m writing about it. I’m vomiting it out on paper (err, blog post), getting the words out in a totally disorganized fashion before the concept slips out of my grasp.
Timing is everything, again and again. Timing is still, inevitably EVERYTHING.
This is all happening as it should. I’m now a person so grounded it’s sometimes unnerving. Sure, I still have my natural bouts of “what the hell am I doing” but now it only lasts a day or so and it never knocks me off my feet.
I still have my moments of my ex is with someone else (REJECTION), he chose her over me (EGO), I’m a pitiful person for needing to be single to chase my dreams (NEGATIVE SELF-CHATTER), but it inevitably passes. It even inspires blog posts 😉
This is the fabric of my life. The material of my writing. The fuel in my engine. The substance I work through on my mat. The experiences that mold me into the person I’m becoming with each new day. This is a gift.
And I’ll continue to write about it, dammit. I can hear you, Jen, telling me to write this. To get it out. To not give flying fuck what anyone has to say about it because it’s my story and it’s my Truth and it doesn’t make me anything but human to put it out there, to the whole world.
Not that the whole world is reading my blog, but I’ll sure as hell gain more readers with soul-baring honesty than some “my life is so perfect, there’s never been a bump in the road” bullshit act that’s not true.
This is real. This is humanity. This is how we all connect, this is where we all bleed together, breathe together, cry together. This is where our fabric is interwoven.
Our journeys serve a purpose.
It’s not that who we used to be was wrong; it’s not that who we’ve become is someone better. It’s that the process has unveiled to us what we needed to step into our most authentic Selves. It’s let in the light so that the world, and we ourselves, could see who we’ve truly been all along.
Image courtesy of TheHolisticIngredient via Instagram.