Falling for Two

I recently fell in love with two people…at the same time.

…I know, right?

It’s a confusing and whirlwind experience to love one person, but to love two? Differently? But at once? So. Incredibly. Strange. I found myself identifying with lead characters in Renaissance time pieces, the Queen falling in love with the King and his bastard brother simultaneously; I had flashes of Guinevere, King Arthur and Lancelot; I seriously considered, for once, sincere compassion for reality star love-seekers who claim to be “in love with more than one girl/guy” as the show progresses. I didn’t know it was possible.

Well, I assumed it was. I used to have dark thoughts in my last relationship (the one where I was a bit of a co-dependent cling-fest), fantasizing masochistically about the potential, the very possibility, that there could be another girl in the world who would make my [then] boyfriend happy. Perhaps, gasp, happier than I made him. It was nauseating to consider. I could hardly hold space for such a thought in my mind.

Now, years and many lessons later, I am of a completely different mind. Not only am I now fiercely independent and utterly cling-phobic, but I have come to see love in a whole new light. I no longer subscribe to the traditional sense of a soulmate. In fact, I believe we have soulmates…plural. I believe my dearest friend Summah in Australia is my soulmate. I believe my mumma is my soulmate. I believe my ex was my soulmate. I believe I will end up married one day to my soulmate. Why must there just be one? Why must we deny that love operates boundlessly, a sacred exchange, an energetic currency? Why do we fight the fact that love exists on many planes, transcendentally and irrevocably? 

Of COURSE there is more than one person in the world who could (and would) make each of us happy. We’re ignorant to argue that. I feel comfortable making such a bold statement because, at one time, I was one of those paper bag over my head “say it ain’t so” people.

Now, this is not to deprecate happy “soulmate” couples. Not at all. Those who’ve found their “one” and who couldn’t imagine life with anyone else. I love that. I get it. I in no way deny the existence of such unions. I hope to find one myself one day. My point is simply that it should be just that, in it’s very base form; a union that is so wonderful, any other potential union fades in comparison. Rather than blatantly claiming there’s no one else in the world that could suit us, we simply choose the love that so astronomically outweighs the concept of ever being made happy by another. You see the difference?

Anyway, in my mind-boggling love triangle (which neither of these people knew of outright, and I wasn’t in a relationship with either of them so the emotional tennis game was really just happening in my own realm), I was fascinated and horrified that I could care so deeply for two people. Two totally different people, in two totally different ways.

Then my mom (AKA my saving Grace, confidante, psychotherapist, best friend, twin flame) made a revolutionary observation: every single person, thing, concept, activity that we love is one thread of Divine Love. There is no separation. To love one person, to love the other person, to love myself, to love yoga, my mom, hiking, mother nature, kale, blue skies, Christmas morning…to love anything is to swell love itself. To inflate, stretch and thicken the very essence of love absolute. It’s all one vibration. There’s no differentiation between loving yoga and loving one’s partner because to love, unbounded, to love fiercely and wildly and with reckless abandon…is to expand one’s capacity for love, period.

Once I realized this – once I felt it in my every pore, my every cell – I was able to be present. I was able to understand, without flailing for insight and probing for answers as to why? and how? I suddenly embraced the way I felt and released any attachment to what it meant, I just gave it space to breathe and realized how that one steady pulse of love vibration resonated throughout my whole life. I began to see that the more I loved – the more people, things, experiences, places – that I loved, the more intense and consuming my capacity for love became. Then I got my answer…that’s exactly how I came to love two people at once in the first place. By liberating my control over love, I had given wings to my capacity for love. I had done it myself, without even knowing!

When we love unabashedly, without apology, we emancipate the sweetness that we are from the shackles of reason and justification. We realize that some things don’t need confines, definitions, rules and regulations. Some essences of this life are meant to be felt, shared, experienced and released.

Since falling for two, I have been able to appreciate my love for everything and everyone in my life. I have been utterly released for the feelings I even developed for these two human beings…because I realized it wasn’t about them. No matter how wonderful anyone is, love is always, always a reflection of ourselves. Narcissism aside, I mean this modestly. We see everything through our own lens, we project our entire lives. To love anything is to love everything. 

So fall in love. Every day. Fall in love with everything that entices you. Fall in love with the way people make you feel, fall in love with the way it feels to breathe, fall in love with the sparkle in a stranger’s eye, fall in love again and again and again and again. The Law of Attraction is simple. Falling for two, three, four, infinity…is training for the love of life. Love madly, love fiercely, love daringly. Because to love anything…is to love everything. And what else could we possibly be here to do?

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