From a Sweet, Juicy Place of Love

So much has transpired since my last entry here. I turned 27. There was a Full Moon. We nearly lost our patriarch, my Grandfather. His circumstances improved. I thought I had to move. I house-hunted like mad for a week. My cousin got married. There was a New Moon. I found out I didn’t have to move. I went on a couple dates. The earth did who knows how many pirouettes on her axis.

Life went, beautifully, on.

Despite the epic changes I have imparted on my life in the past three months, despite the uncertainty – a thing I bend over backwards, quite literally sometimes (on the yoga mat), to avoid – I have been brought to my knees in sheer gratitude for all the love and abundance that IS my life, lately. More so than ever before. I have been brought TO LIFE.

I find it so interesting, the concept of uncertainty and “the unknown.” I mean, it’s hilarious to me that I even look at it as an option. As if my perceived structures of control have any effect whatsoever on the chaos that is time and space! Things are going to happen, the earth keeps spinning, life goes on.

I recently joked with my parents, “Is this just how life gets, as an adult? One thing after another? You think you have everything all settled and then BOOM, car trouble. BOOM, something at home breaks. BOOM, something else pops up.” They smiled sideways and wrinkled their brows as if to say, “………Well, DUH.” The problem is not that life hurls “one thing after another”, I am now realizing. The issue is that I expect it not to do that! The story that I have is one of a child, where others take care of business for me, others help me through every decision and oftentimes make them for me. It’s kind of my autopilot, to be honest. I’m used to calling up my mom when I get a confrontational text message or email, when something happens at work, when someone wants to have a serious discussion – I need to carefully detail her advice before reacting. I do this. I don’t trust my own judgement, even though my life is lived by way of intuition. It doesn’t make sense, right?

I think a lot of us are like this. I am so endlessly blessed to have the support system I have, but I see now that I have taken advantage of their wisdom and advice so frequently, that when it’s up to me to make decisions…I balk. I worry that someone will say, “WHY did you say/do that???” I worry that someone is not going to like that I acted like a doormat or didn’t stand up for myself, or that I didn’t say the appropriate things during the conversation and now the moment has passed.

But you know what? WHO CARES! SO WHAT!?

If I’m in the driver seat and it’s up to me to make the decisions that only have to live with, then why wouldn’t I be most concerned with my reaction to my own life?

It makes so much sense, when I lay it out like this. But, at 27, I am just now learning how to carefully remove my training wheels and balance on my own. I am just now respecting and giving weight to my own thoughts, opinions and motives. It, is, SO, liberating.

I am also working more towards being more grounded and authentic (read: less of a people pleaser), and more trusting and content in the day-to-day (read: less of an “uncertainty avoider”). I am fiercely working on coming from a place of love rather than fear (have you ever taken a day to do inventory on how many times you move from a place of fear rather than a place of love? It’s astonishing, really).

No matter how much we plan, life has its own agenda. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way demonizing planning. It’s awesome. It’s kind of my middle name. I always have a plan. But sometimes, just letting the fluidity of life take its course, can be so much more delightful than you ever could’ve planned. I’ve begun planning for today, instead of all week. Yes, there’s a rough outlined sketch of the week in my head, but by not calendar planning every detail of the week (in pen, no less), I suddenly can breathe so much more deeply. I have the freedom (as if I didn’t have it before…) to change my mind. To do things differently. To make my Tuesday plan my Thursday plan instead, and do something else on Tuesday. To NOT do things I don’t want to do, and to add in as I see fit. Why wouldn’t I live this way all the time?

In the well-intentioned act of planning so as to cultivate a structure of perceived security, we can often sink unconsciously into a fear-based way of living. Preventive. Frightened. Walking forward, tentatively, with our hands outstretched trying to ward off any potential chaos. 

BUT THAT ISN’T LIVING. That isn’t LIFE.

So now, I am taking another vow (y’all know how much I love those…). I am taking a vow to live life as it comes. I’m always going to scribble lists on post-it notes and write on my calendar. I’m always going to roughly sketch out my plan for the week, mentally. It’s who I am. There’s nothing wrong with being this way. But there’s something very wrong with going on autopilot and boxing out the potential for unexpected beauty. Unexpected chaos will enter our safe little emotional villas whether we invite them in or not. But unexpected beauty? It has a much harder time sliding through the cracks. We actually have to step outside, we actually have to look up, to see it.

And it is there, always.

I am committed to stepping outside, as often as possible. I am committed to looking up. I am committed to letting the beauty wash over me, shatter me, day after day. I am committed, in every single moment, to approaching my life from a sweet, juicy place of love.

Won’t you join me?

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7 thoughts on “From a Sweet, Juicy Place of Love

  1. What a nice reminder to let go and let it happen, outside the insane parameters that we erect to contain it. “It” is shorthand for what we live everyday. I don’t want to say “life.” I want to say “wow.” When you said planning not only blocks out the unexpected ugly stuff, the implied bad “chaos,” but also the beautiful things that can save us, you led me to “wow.” Let’s live “wow.” Even if the “wow” knocks us on our asses sometimes; it’s (wow’s) bound to lend a helping hand to get us up, too.

    I needed one after a pleasant knockdown that came from reading these particularly radiant sentences: “I find it so interesting, the concept of uncertainty and ‘the unknown.’ I mean, it’s hilarious to me that I even look at it as an option.” Fug! I’m floored.

    And many more followed. I’m going to let my guard down today and let the day carry me where it wants to, paying loose attention to my productive plan, not abandoning it, but not being a slave to it. I feel a change already. I’m a master of my own silly fate that constantly wants to reveal itself to me. Am I big enough to own it? Only if I know I didn’t create it. I’m ready for anything (I think). This piece gives me courage, and peace. Wow is imbibing your wisdom today, Sara. Thanks.

  2. Steve…
    You, again, bring me to my knees in humble gratitude. You, again, leave me feeling more connected and tapped in to both you as well as the collective consciousness, each beating heart, with your words and rawness. Vulnerability. I love you endlessly.

  3. How funny and perfect that I, myself just finished journaling how I need to start taking my life, myself, my thoughts, my days seriously. I act as if my life is in other peoples’ hands. As if my thoughts and ideas and goals have no weight. If I decide I want to do something, I’ll put it off because my mom wants to do something else that day… where are my needs going? I’m 21 and am on the same learning experience as you. Taking off the training wheels and taking advantage of all the choices we have in daily life and taking my Self seriously and cultivating my life and self how I see myself in my head. It’s all up to US, it’s just tapping into that reality…

      • Inspiring and so true…. I am only just seeing this at 32 let alone living it yet but one step at a time xxx

      • After I wrote this comment, I realized that people-pleasing is where it’s coming from. Something I knew was holding me back but didn’t know the name of it. I’m currently reading a book called “the need to please” and “time warrior” let me know if you check them out!

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